In recent months, many parents and educators in Indonesia have been shaken by the story of a well-known actress who bravely shared her experience of child grooming in a new book.
Her story has raised big, uncomfortable questions:
- Can grooming start this early?
- What does it look like with little children?
- How do we keep them safe without scaring them or making them afraid of everyone?
This blog is not about analysing her story or any specific case.
It’s about giving you a calm, clear understanding of what grooming is, how it can show up in the lives of 0–9-year-olds, and what you can do—at home and at school—to build real safety from a Montessori perspective of deep respect for the child.
A gentle note: This article talks about child safety and abuse prevention, but without graphic detail. If at any point you feel overwhelmed, pause, breathe, and come back when you are ready.
What Is Child Grooming?
Child grooming is a process. It is not one sudden event.
It happens when an adult (or sometimes an older child or teenager) slowly builds a relationship with a child and with the child’s caregivers, in order to:
- gain trust
- break down boundaries
- create secrecy
- prepare the child to accept unsafe or abusive behaviour
Grooming can happen:
- inside families
- in schools, clubs, and activity settings
- in religious or community spaces
- and, for older primary children, sometimes online
One of the biggest myths is that abuse “comes out of nowhere.” In many cases, there is a grooming phase first—where the adult looks kind, generous, and even “helpful” to the family.
It is important to say this very clearly:
Grooming is never the child’s fault.
The responsibility always lies with the person who uses their power and age to manipulate the child.
Grooming and Young Children (0–9): “Too Young to Understand”?
Many adults assume grooming is something that only happens with teenagers, or older primary children who are already online and using social media.
In reality, very young children can be targeted. Offenders know that:
- small children want attention and affection
- small children are used to being told what to do by adults
- small children may not have language to describe what is happening
- adults often ignore or minimise a child’s discomfort if the adult looks “nice”
This is why prevention for 0–9-year-olds is less about telling them scary stories, and more about building an inner sense of safety:
- “My body belongs to me.”
- “My ‘no’ is important.”
- “I can tell Mum, Dad, or Teacher anything—even if someone told me not to.”
What Grooming Can Look Like With 0–9-Year-Olds
With younger children, grooming rarely looks like something obviously “bad” at first. On the surface, it can look like kindness, special attention, or generosity.
Some patterns that can be part of grooming are:
1. Extra special attention
The adult treats this child as “special” in a way that is not balanced:
- often wants to sit next to the child, hold their hand, or carry them
- gives them more attention than other children
- uses phrases like, “You’re my favourite,” “You’re different from the others,” or “You understand me better than anyone.”
To a child, this can feel flattering and exciting—but it also trains them to seek this person’s approval above others.
2. Gifts and treats with secret strings attached
The adult gives frequent snacks, toys, or little gifts. At first it may seem harmless or even helpful. Over time, it can become:
- linked to secrecy: “This is our little secret, don’t tell Mum and Dad.”
- linked to pressure: “If you tell, they will be angry / you’ll get in trouble / they won’t let us play.”
This slowly teaches the child to hide things from safe adults.
3. Touch that slowly changes
Touch may start with what looks like normal affection—patting the head, hugging, holding hands. Over time, it can:
- become more frequent and more intense
- move towards more private parts of the body
- continue even when the child looks stiff, pulls away, or seems uncomfortable
- be framed as a “game” that should not be told to others
4. Alone time that doesn’t feel right
The adult:
- often volunteers to help with showers, toileting, or changing clothes when it is not really needed
- finds repeated reasons to be alone with the child
- chooses spaces where others cannot easily see or enter
- becomes defensive or upset if asked why they need privacy
One behaviour by itself does not automatically mean grooming. But when there is a pattern of secrecy, pressure around alone time, and a growing feeling in your body that something is “off,” it is wise to take that seriously.
Your instincts are an important tool for protection.
The Montessori Lens: Respecting the Child’s Body and “No”
Montessori is built on deep respect for the child. That respect includes the child’s body and their right to feel safe.
For younger children, prevention is less about naming “grooming” and more about daily practices that teach:
- Body respect – “Your body belongs to you.”
- Clear boundaries – “Some parts are private.”
- A strong voice – “You can say ‘no’ to touch you don’t like—even from adults.”
This can start in very ordinary, gentle ways:
- not forcing a toddler to hug someone when they pull back
- asking permission before tickling or kissing: “Do you want more tickles, or stop?”
- stopping the moment the child says “stop” or “enough” in play
These moments are small—but powerful. They teach:
“My feelings matter. Adults listen when I say no.”
A child who grows up with this message is more likely to notice when something feels wrong, and more likely to tell someone they trust.
Practical Steps for Parents & Educators (0–9 Years)
You can do a lot to prevent grooming without frightening children. The goal is to be calm, clear, and consistent.
1. Teach body safety with simple, honest language
Even very young children can learn:
- correct names for body parts (including genitals)
- that the parts covered by a swimsuit are private
- that no one should touch, look at, or take photos of those parts except to keep them clean or healthy—and even then, they can say if something feels wrong
You might say:
“Your body belongs to you. The parts under your swimsuit are private. That means nobody should touch, look at, or take pictures of those parts, except to keep you clean or healthy. If anyone ever does, or asks, you can say NO and tell Mum, Dad, or Teacher straight away. You won’t be in trouble. We will help you.”
Use a calm, matter-of-fact tone, as if you are explaining how to cross the road. Children take their emotional cue from you.
2. No secrets about bodies or safety
You can teach the difference between surprises and secrets:
- Surprises are happy things we keep quiet for a short time (like a birthday gift) and then share.
- Secrets about bodies, touches, or pictures are never okay.
You might say:
“If anyone ever tells you to keep a secret about your body, or touches, or pictures, you can always tell Mum or Dad or [trusted teacher]. Even if they say you’ll get in trouble, you can still tell us. We will listen and help.”
This gives the child permission to break any “secret rule” that makes them feel uncomfortable.
3. Don’t force affection
This is one of the most powerful everyday protections you can give.
Instead of:
“Go and hug them. Don’t be rude.”
Try:
“Do you want to say hello with a hug, a high-five, or a wave?”
Children learn that being polite does not mean ignoring their own discomfort. Their body remains theirs even in front of relatives, teachers, or respected adults.
4. Build a habit of gentle check-ins
You don’t need a big “serious talk.” Instead, build small check-ins into daily life—bedtime, car rides, after school.
For example:
- “Did anything happen today that made you feel a bit uncomfortable or confused?”
- “Is there anything you wanted to tell me but weren’t sure how?”
If they do share something, try to stay as calm as you can. You can always cry or process your feelings later with another adult. In the moment, the child needs to feel:
“You did the right thing telling me. I believe you. I will help you.”
5. Trust your instincts about adults and situations
You are allowed to act on your uneasy feeling, even if you “can’t prove it.”
You can:
- say no to sleepovers, outings, or closed-door time if something feels wrong
- ask why someone insists on being alone with your child
- step in, change arrangements, or remove your child from a situation—even if other adults think you are overreacting
Your job is not to be polite. Your job is to protect.
6. For ages 6–9: guide early online habits
Grooming for older children often starts online. For younger primary children:
- Keep devices in shared spaces as much as possible.
- Make it normal (not shameful) to show you messages, photos, or games.
- Teach them never to send photos of their body to anyone—not even friends.
You might say:
“If anyone ever asks you for a picture of your body, especially the parts under your swimsuit, you can say NO and tell me straight away. Even if it’s someone you know, or someone who says they will be upset if you don’t.”
If something has already happened, focus on safety, not blame. The child needs to know you are on their side.
For Educators: Bringing This Into the Classroom
If you are an early childhood educator or teacher, you have a powerful role:
- You can model respect for children’s bodies: asking before touch, accepting “no”, and standing up for their boundaries.
- You can use story time, Grace & Courtesy lessons, and classroom discussions to normalise body respect and “telling a safe adult” when something feels wrong.
- You can be a safe listener: a child may choose you as the first person they tell.
Know your legal and school procedures for reporting concerns. If a child discloses something that sounds like grooming or abuse, it is not your job to investigate. It is your job to take it seriously, document clearly, and follow your local reporting guidelines.
A Gentle Next Step
This is a heavy topic. Please be kind to yourself as you sit with it.
You don’t have to “fix” everything today. You might decide to start with just one small change this week:
- allowing your child to choose how they greet relatives,
- having a short body-safety chat at bedtime,
- or telling your class:
“If something ever feels strange or uncomfortable, you can always tell me. I will listen and help.”
Safety for 0–9-year-olds grows from calm, informed adults and deeply respectful relationships.
At Sunshine Teachers’ Training, our work is to support parents and educators to understand children deeply, respect them fully, and create environments—at home and at school—where children can grow in freedom and safety.
If you’d like to explore more Montessori-based workshops or courses on child safety, body respect, and Grace & Courtesy, you can send us a WhatsApp message and introduce yourself (parent, educator, or school owner):
📲 WhatsApp: +62 851-9555-0919
We’ll be happy to help you with the next step.